10 Years…. Already

Ten years ago today was a very emotional day for my sweet family. I was 24 weeks pregnant exactly with my second daughter. The pregnancy had already been wrought with complications and a roller coaster of emotions. The day after Christmas I had been admitted to the hospital due to blood pressures of 170/110 (nope, not a typo.) I also had elevated liver enzymes as my liver was beginning to shut down. I had severe preeclampsia. I had had preeclampsia with my first daughter a few years prior, but it was pretty mild and I had to deliver her three weeks early. So I was shocked to learn that I had developed it so early in the pregnancy and that our goal was to get to me to the 24 week mark of the pregnancy, still nearly 4 months before my baby girl’s due date of April 18th.

Kelsi_foot

We had been diligently watching my baby with the ultrasound to see that the steroids for her lungs were working and were excited to see her “practice breathing” in the womb. Her movements had been active and she seemed to be doing well despite being very sick…. we both were. The various doctors had all come in and talked with me. I knew that she was sick. I knew the odds of a micro preemie surviving, and the odds of a sick one not.

That morning during the ultrasound my husband was with me. The tech, who was normally very excited about the baby’s movements and breathing was very quiet. As we went back to the room I told my husband that the ultrasound hadn’t gone well. He hadn’t been there for the others, so didn’t have anything to compare it to. When we returned to my room, the nurse quickly took away the food tray that had just been delivered. My doctor came in and told us that  my sweet baby was in distress. Her organs were beginning to shut down in an effort to keep oxygen and blood flowing to the brain. We had to deliver… and NOW!

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It was all surreal. I remember sitting on the table in the O.R. as they did a spinal anesthesia procedure. I was leaning against a nurse and just over her right shoulder was an isolette prepared for my sweet baby. It was then that I lost it. The sobs that washed over me as reality hit shook my entire frame. I couldn’t get the shaking under control. They layered blankets from the warmer, but still, the adrenaline coursing through my body fought against the efforts to remain calm. A sweet tender mercy of God happened at that time. My bishop had arrived and was given permission to enter the OR and together with my husband I was given a priesthood blessing. Immediately a calm and warmth washed over my body. The shaking and tears stopped. My bishop was rushed out of the OR and the surgery began.

The room was nearly silent. And then the silence was broken with what sounded like two little kitten yelps. The doctors were shocked and then excited and said, “Did you hear that? Did you hear her? That was your little girl.”  But really, the words that struck me most were spoken by my husband at my right ear as he whispered, “She is so small.” And she was. My sweet baby weighed just 13 oz and was 8 1/2″ long. You can’t even imagine it. The only thing I was able to see of her before they whisked her away to the NICU was the smallest foot I have ever seen.

My sweet little girl was strong and fought hard. I asked her to wait for me, and she did. I was still very sick and was unable to see her for more than a day and a half….. half of her short life.

Angel_Funeral2

It is amazing to me that even after 10 years, I still remember so many of the little details. I remember meeting people who had also lost their babies. One had lost her baby 9 years prior. I couldn’t imagine 9 years. That was a lifetime away. And now it is 10 years.

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Happy Birthday in Heaven Sweet Kelsi. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of you, miss you and wish you were here. I will always wonder who you would be, what your interests would be, what our family would be like if you were here with us.

17 thoughts on “10 Years…. Already

  1. Lynnea

    I am crying.. I know your pain. I didn’t get to meet my lost one but I think of him often.. No they didn’t know what I was having but I always think of my unborn child as my son. He would be 15 now. I hope he is living a wonderful life with my grandparents in heaven and can’t wait to hug him when my day finally comes.

    We always love them and never forget them. I am sending you love, prayers and hugs from Kentucky.

    Reply
    1. Melissa Muir Post author

      Oh Lynnea, it is still so hard isn’t it? This year hasn’t been quite as bad for me. For some reason last year I had a really difficult time emotionally with all of it. I agree, There is one hug I am really looking forward to getting. Love, prayers and hugs for you too.

      Reply
  2. Jan

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. It made me think of how precious life is, not only as illustrated by that tiny baby who tried so hard to survive, but by you and your family who found a way to go on after tragedy and live full lives.

    Reply
    1. Melissa Muir Post author

      Thank you Jan. I was a fortunate one. I had a 4 year old daughter that still needed her mother. I was not allowed to give myself to the grief entirely. While it was a trial, I was certainly given many blessings to be able to cope.

      Reply
  3. Martha Nachreiner

    Thanks for sharing this. My sister, Mary, died the day she was born, 60 years ago, and my mother still goes to Mass on Mary’s birthday every year. The circle of life turns slowly and you never know what the next chapter will be…but 41 years later my younger sister brought home a beautiful little girl from China…and her birth date was the same as Mary’s. A little sign from Heaven ❤️

    Reply
    1. Melissa Muir Post author

      Thanks Martha. My aunt died from SIDS. My dad said that every April you could tell my grandma was affected by it as she would always be a little more somber. I am still on the beginning end of this journey, but I know from talking with other angel mothers that it really never does go away. <3

      Reply
  4. Beverly Larson

    So sorry you had to go through this and that you lost your sweet, little girl. I can only say that I believe you will see her again-she will be waiting for you.
    I hope you have had a nice Holiday Season and i wish you a Great 2015!
    Best Wishes, Bev Larson

    Reply
    1. Melissa Muir Post author

      Thanks Bev. I believe the same. I look forward to our reunion. Our Holiday season has been nice and relaxing, not at all hurried and it has been nice. I hope that 2015 is a great one for both of us.

      Reply
  5. Denny

    I remember many years ago when we first “met” , in a long conversation, how very brave I thought you to be. You had a real impact, teaching me how people can cope. I kind of lurk from the sidelines–(sounds creepy, but not meant to be–Facebook and all) and I’ve been awed at all you’ve done: your many address moves, my favourite “Tool TimeTuesday”, tutorials, and raising your beautiful family. Your strength is an inspiration.
    This was a beautiful article written by a beautiful soul. I wish we could meet.
    I wish you peace.
    Sincerely,
    Denny

    Reply
    1. Melissa Muir Post author

      Thank you Denny. I can’t say it has been a fun journey, but it has been a good one if that makes sense. There was so much heartache, and really, continues. But at the same time, so much good has come from the experiences as well. Perhaps one day we will meet. I am starting to travel for my workshops, and you just never know. 🙂

      Reply
  6. Benjamin Pastrana

    I remember when you told me your story and I coudn’t believe how small she was….I have seen through the years your successnot only as a metasmith but as a great mother of a beautiful family….

    Reply
  7. Audie

    Loosing a baby is so difficult. My sweet Julie passed 3 days before President Jack Kennedy at 6 mo 3 days. We all grieved together.

    One never forgets those micromoments.

    In loving memory of all who have lost.

    Audie

    Reply
  8. Morna

    What a special story – I’m sure your words are felt deeply by all of us who read them. Your wee baby girl was amazing and I am so glad you were able to be with her before she left this earth. Thank you for sharing this – it causes me to stop and remember what is important and good in this life. xo

    Reply
  9. Eloise

    I can’t believe it has been 10 years. I remember this day very well. Time has a way of melding and moving. On one hand it seems like such a long time ago. On the other it seems like yesterday. You have such a beautiful family and I know you will see Kelsi again.

    Reply
    1. Melissa Muir Post author

      I know Eloise. Isn’t it crazy? I still even remember what you brought us for dinner just before we flew to Salt Lake City for her funeral and burial. LOL. It is strange the things I remember from that time. 🙂 I agree, sometimes it seems so long ago, and then there are things I remember like it was yesterday.

      Reply

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